me: *eats cookie dough*
some weak ass person: “you’ll get salmonella poisoning!!!”
how did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?
he gave her a ring
if you have a pet and i’ve ever visited your house: i’m sorry
life tip whatever dumb ass name you get siri to call you is what your iphone automatically signs your emails as. i have been applying to jobs for 2 months as queef.
i’m done. i’m so so done
enough about sex positions has anyone discovered a reading position which doesn’t get uncomfortable after 5 minutes
slowly approaching bear
the bears will be in eventually
Bear will arrive sooner than thought.
BEAR IS APPROACHING AT ALARMING SPEEDS
BEAR IS GO FAST LOSING TRACK OF BEAR
BEAR HAS REACHED MACH ONE
WE HAVE LOST VISUAL ON BEAR